In a nutshell:
The Whole Brain Child offers parenting advice based on neuroscience and a developmental approach to parenting. Instead of expecting children to behave like miniature adults, Siegel and Tina point to the ways in which children's brains are still under construction. Instead of feeling frustrated when our attempts to communicate and handle tricky situations with our children go sideways, the book encourages us to see these moments as opportunities to parent in a manner that ultimately promotes the growth and emotional resiliency we hope our children will one day possess. My reaction: I love how practically the authors approach each of their tips. For each situation, they offer case study examples and a cartoon briefly summarizing the strategy they suggest. Additionally, they provide a kid-friendly cartoon breakdown of each idea such that you can work with your child to develop his or her own understanding of how the mind works. And, each chapter ends with a section for parents, which draws attention to the fact that we, as parents, have so much growing to do in how we handle our own emotions and frustrations. Some quotations of note: "It's also crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child's feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child. It's vital that we treat them as such in our response" (24). "Even though we will want to help build this metaphorical staircase in our child's brain, there are two important reasons to maintain realistic expectations when it comes to integration. The first is developmental: while the downstairs brain is well developed even at birth, the upstairs brain isn't fully mature until a person reaches his mid-twenties" (41). "Your state of mind can influence your child's state of mind, letting you transform fussiness and irritability into fun, laughter, and connection" (133). My takeaway: The Whole Brain Child is a parenting text with longevity - helping you understand your toddler to your teenager and even some of your adult relationships, too. If you are looking for a straightforward parenting text grounded in neuroscience that will challenge you to grow alongside your child, The Whole Brain Child is that book.
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Want to see a simple tool that helps save my sanity day in and day out? Behold - the snack plate! While this tray I got for under a dollar at a thrift store seems pretty unimpressive, it has become a critical tool in how I hand snack time day in and day out. As a parent, I approach family eating and meals informed by Ellyn Satter's division of responsibility. In a nutshell, the parent decides the parameters of meals - what is offered at what time and what location. The child retains control of how much he or she eats and which of the offered foods he or she eats. This model of feeding complements a baby-led solids (often referred to as baby-led weaning or BLW) approach and continues the trust for your child that underlies baby-led solids into their toddler and preschooler years (as well as beyond). In the moment, the division of responsibility approach to eating takes away any possible power struggles around food. Long view the hope is that it encourages a healthy attitude toward food.
Want to try out a snack plate with a single kiddo or younger toddlers? Mini-muffin tins or ice-cube trays can make the perfect solo snack tray. If you do try out the snack tray, let me know what you think!
Whether you are getting ready to introduce the bottle or transition baby to daycare, what follows are a host of helpful resources on bottle feeding for the breastfed baby you'll want to have your finger on. What is paced bottle feeding? When you think of bottle feeding, the image of a baby reclined nearly horizontal in a caregiver’s arms with the bottle angled down into the baby’s mouth is perhaps the traditional picture that comes to mind. However, this may not be the best approach to bottle feeding your infant, especially if that infant is fed from a bottle only when away from the breastfeeding parent and fed from the breast when together. Why paced bottle feeding matters? From the infant’s perspective, breastfeeding takes a lot more effort. Where a bottle can give a fast steady stream with minimal work, the breast has an ebb and flow and requires work for the baby to draw down more milk. When an otherwise breastfed baby is fed via bottle feeding - reclined and bottle angled for a steady flow of milk - that baby may then become impatient when she returns to the breast. If you’ve ever eaten a meal too quickly, you know that it often takes awhile for your stomach to send your brain the message that you should slow down or be finished. The same goes for babies and bottle-feeding. Where the effort of breastfeeding and pauses in milk flow give the baby on the breast the opportunity to tune into those cues, bottles offered without a paced feeding approach run the risk of continually overfeeding baby. If baby is overfed via bottle, it can mean a cranky, uncomfortable baby. It may also give the breastfeeding parent the impression that there isn’t enough milk for the baby and make it difficult for pumping to match the amount of milk baby consumes when away from the parent. If your baby’s caregiver is unfamiliar with paced feeding or more accustomed to feeding formula fed bottles, it may be important to offer resources and education so that your baby is fed in a manner that works with your breastfeeding goals. For example, it is common to offer formula fed babies larger bottles, whereas breastfed babies often thrive with smaller bottles offered more frequently to better mimic their experience when at the breast. For more on how much expressed milk a baby needs, see Kellymom’s explanation of the recommendation for 1-1.5 oz per hour away. If you are looking for solid information on pumping and maintaining supply, Nancy Mohrbacher’s discussion of the “Magic Number” is a helpful read. How to paced feed - a collection of resources Here is a whole collection of written and video resources that explain and demonstrate the paced bottle feeding approach. If you find yourself needing to communicate with your baby’s caregiver about this method, these are awesome resources you can share. Kellymom on how to bottle feed a breastfed baby Nancy Mohrbacher on paced feeding for the caregiver Paced Bottle Feeding Video 1 Paced Bottle Feeding Video 2 Paced Bottle Feeding Video 3 Want more support in the childbearing year? Nested Mama offers breastfeeding education, doula support, sleep consultations, and more. Connect with Nested Mama on Facebook or Instagram for more tips and helpful information.
Wondering what you can do to ease your fur baby’s transition from only child to happy sibling status when you bring baby home? To answer this question and more, I’m thrilled to share an interview with Rebecca from Pals for Paws Petsitting. As a pet care professional, Rebecca shares important strategies for integrating your beloved animals and your new bundle of joy. And as a mom, she shares her personal postpartum experience and how life after baby doesn’t always look the way one expects. Before we get to questions about pets and babies, I'd love to know how you and your husband Aaron began Pals for Paws. What drew you to starting this business? We both loved animals, of course. Aaron grew up with a house full of dogs and cats - due to family allergies, I did not. Still, I had dreams of being a veterinarian, and worked for a vet in high school (where I promptly learned I did not want to be a vet anymore!). In college I worked for an animal shelter and pet supply store. Aaron's aunt had friends who needed pet care and suggested us, we went to meet with the lady, and she asked how much we charged. Charged?! I thought, amazed that someone would pay us to hang out with her animals. We took care of her animals, then she referred another friend, and another. I was in school for graphic design so I built us a website, and we started getting strangers for clients. It was very exciting and surprisingly busy. When we completed school, we both got full-time jobs and had to start turning down our clients. Aaron was unhappy in his job. We felt a little bad turning down the work we loved (the animals) in favor of the work he was struggling to enjoy, so we took a leap and he quit his job and started waiting tables so we could focus on the business. It grew and grew. Eventually, he was able to stop waiting tables and I was able to quit my full-time job, then quit my freelance work. It took about 7 years to go from our first clients to sustaining income for two people, and from there we added employees. We are almost 12 years in and employ five people. That's an amazing story, Rebecca. In those 12 years, I'm sure you've seen many clients bring home new babies. Can you share with us any tips for how to get ready to integrate a new baby and pets? Specifically, are there things families can do prenatally to make for an easier transition? Oh yes - many clients! I very much suggest taking your dog to training prior to the baby arriving. If you have never done training before, and especially if you regard your dog's "bad" behaviors as sweet quirks, this is the time to address them, NOT after. If the dog barks a lot, or jumps, it's time to start working on those issues. Training will also give you a better general sense of how to communicate with your dog and tools to use once the baby arrives. Even if you have a very well-behaved dog, I suggest refreshing them on commands like "Stay," "Off," and "Place." These are commands that you will be using! With a new baby, you will need space, and having a "Place" command teaches your dog that they have "their" space and they need to go to it. "Off" or "Leave it" is useful for dogs who are excessively interested in the baby's toys or, later, snacks. And "Stay" is something you'll use often for when visitors arrive. You will not be able to teach your baby to "Stay," but you can teach your dog, and that will make life easier. In terms of making the transition easier on the dog, in the months leading up to the baby's arrival, think about an area that can be the dog's space so they have a safe place to go to where the baby is not allowed. Let them become comfortable in this space prior to the baby coming so it doesn't feel like a time out or punishment space. If there are any areas that will be off limits for them when baby comes, start blocking those areas ahead of time. Also, think about how their routine might change and make those changes in advance so they become accustomed to fewer walks, walks at different times, shorter walks, going potty in the yard, and tapering down one-on-one time. While it's tempting to go all out giving them as much love as possible since it's about to change, that will be all the more abrupt of a change when the baby arrives. You don't want the dog to associate their decline in quality of life with the arrival of the baby. Plus, many pet parents feel guilty about "not having time for the dog" after the baby arrives. Getting yourself used to the new normal in advance of the rush of hormones (because let's face it, you're going to feel guilty about literally everything) may ease those feelings because it's not an abrupt change for you either! Finally, get the baby equipment out so they are familiar with it. Strollers and car seats can be a bit scary, especially if you have a skittish dog! If you are installing a gate in your vehicle, do that when you put the car seat in. Trust me when I say that it is much, much easier to address and prepare for these things during pregnancy than during postpartum! I love the idea of slowly easing into the changes ahead a time - makes so much sense to make these changes when you have the time and energy before baby arrives. If we follow this plan before baby, what would suggest we do after baby arrives to make a more positive transition? The traditional wisdom is to bring home a blanket or piece of clothing with the baby's scent from the hospital for your dog to get used to before bringing baby home from the hospital. When you actually come home, the baby should come in last - your pup is going to be so excited to see you after you've been away for a few days. He or she will most likely not be taking care to be gentle with the unexpected additional tiny human being in tow. When the baby is introduced, you can do it on whatever timeline feels comfortable to you, given your dog's behavior. The AKC suggests letting the dog get used to the baby's smell and sounds for a few days prior to letting the dog approach the baby. That being said, I'm not sure I know anyone who actually was able to do that! Regardless of how long you wait, you'll want a separate person holding the dog on a leash and paying close attention to their behavior. The dog will pick up on your nerves, so try to stay calm and positive. Whoever is holding the leash can also have treats if your dog handles itself well with treats - my dogs tend to get overly excited so I would not introduce that stimulus for my crew! Speak in your normal, happy voice and allow the dog to sniff the baby's feet from a distance. Things to watch for in terms of nervousness in a dog would be licking of lips or a tense stance. Praise your dog for gentle behavior then redirect to a sit or lay-down and give the dog some good pets and love. In my experience it really is common to see dogs immediately fall into a protective, gentle role around babies, BUT you don't want to just bank on that. Even if you have the friendliest dog, you still need to be proactive and careful when they're together. The dog should associate positive feelings with being around the baby, so having a partner (or even friends or visitors) love on the doggie in the same room as the baby will help make those associations. I do want to point out that if you haven't done preparations during pregnancy to get your dog used to the new routines, things might be difficult for a while. My best advice for that is to stick it out. Don't make decisions on rehoming your pet during the fourth trimester, because let me tell you, even with the best intentions, pets can make that period really difficult. In addition to your professional experience, you also have personal experience bringing a baby into a home with pets. Was there anything that surprised you about your postpartum experience with your pets? Being a pet care professional, I definitely went into it with a bit of the idea that I knew a lot about dog behavior and had a great handle on everything. I had my baby at home, and one of my dogs was in the room (the other went to a boarder because he's a bit on the wild side). My girl met my daughter within minutes of birth and it was very sweet and beautiful. On my daughter's first day on Earth, we all five sat in the nursery together: my, my husband, my daughter, and my two dogs. So idyllic. Annie, our big white gentle giant, meeting Adeline as we follow none of the proper protocol. Photo Credit: Riley Curry I was surprised, then, that it didn't take long for me to not want them around me. At all. I adore my dogs! But when I was learning to care for another person, barely sleeping, breastfeeding nonstop, I found them to be two more warm bodies who just needed something from me when I just didn't have it to give. That was really a surprise to me, I was expecting this magical world of harmony and happiness. Their barking didn't wake the baby, thankfully, but it disrupted my peaceful moments, and I would find their hair stuck to my nipples when I was trying to get babe to latch. I was so frustrated by their presence, and I was not prepared for that. I felt immense guilt, and I felt like I didn't deserve to take care of other peoples' animals if I couldn't even stand to be around my own. The fog lifted, I became more confident in caring for my daughter, and I began to cherish their presence again. Of all of the things I felt prepared for, I wish I had known that this was ok, and normal, and, especially, temporary. My husband definitely fell into being the primary animal caretaker for the first year or so, and to a certain extend remains so. The best advice I have from my personal experience is to have a plan for who is going to take care of the pets' physical and emotional needs, because mama doesn't need that pressure. Our big, happy family. I love that you are sharing these personal experiences, Rebecca, because so much of the postpartum experience is just that - deeply personal, unexpected, challenging, and beautiful. As far as planning to have help with the pets, your business Pals for Paws is an awesome resource for those who want to meet their animals physical and emotional needs while they rest, heal, and settle into life with a new baby. Can you share a bit about the services you offer and how they may be helpful to postpartum families?
We actually take care of peoples' animals even before the baby comes home! I think it's a great idea to establish a relationship with a pet sitter so you have a plan for your pets when you go into labor. Friends and family are often very helpful in this role, but we have on many occasions received the "we're heading to the hospital" text and got the dogs on our schedule until we heard they were ready to come home - it's one of those things that can give you peace of mind and allow dad and family to focus on being in the hospital and not worry about the dogs' schedule. I mentioned earlier adjusting the dogs' expectations in advance, and if you do so, you may not need any help with your dogs. However, if it's very important to your dog to get a walk each day (and for some dogs this makes all the difference in their behavior), you don't have to cut that out. We have dog walking clients who we have continued to service all that way through pregnancy, postpartum, and going back to work, without taking a break. For these families, it allowed them to keep that routine going for their dogs and get the dogs the exercise they need. If you've never used a dog walker before, you may consider it for the postpartum period to ease that pressure of "How am I going to take the dog out?" and "the dog is just so wound up!" Doggie daycare (which we don't offer, but there are many great facilities in the area) is another great option if you're feeling overwhelmed by the presence of your pets or guilty that they're bored. Your dog gets to go and spend all day playing with friends and comes home wiped out. That being said, once you are healed, walking your dog with your baby is a wonderful way to get exercise and fresh air. Just make sure to be safe - if you have a bigger dog whose pulling and strength you could handle pre-baby, it's a good idea to invest in a harness like an EasyWalk to give you a bit more control since you'll be managing a stroller simultaneously. You can babywear and walk dogs (I do!), but I do consider it a bit on the risky side if you have a large dog or a puller so use caution and your best judgement if you feel there's a possibility that you could be pulled forward. Thank you, Rebecca, for sharing all of this fantastic advice! I know I’ll be adding it to my Pinterest board to share with anyone who has questions about bringing home a new baby to meet their beloved animals. If you are looking for petsitting or dog walking care in Iowa City, North Liberty, Coralville, and Tiffin, you can reach Pals for Paws at (319) 535-0748 or aaron@palsforpawspetsitting.com. Witching hour or as we call it in our house, “Unhappy Hour,” is that time when parental exhaustion meets baby’s desire to list all of the wrongs of the universe at the loudest possible volume. Baby standard time dictates when this will occur. With my oldest, her wind up began around 4:30 p.m. so that by the time my spouse returned from work, I was in desperate need of a hand off and hot shower. With my middle guy, 6:00 p.m. marked the beginning of unhappy hour, meaning bedtime for the oldest was often a juggling act of bouncing an unhappy baby and corralling a overtired toddler. Whether it occurs at 4 or 8 p.m., this tricky hour (or three) requires a basket of tricks and Nested Mama’s got a basket ready for you. In this three part series, I’ll share with you my favorite resources, tips, and sanity promoting approaches to surviving unhappy hour. Last week in Part 2, I shared with you some ideas about relaxation and affirmation to alter your experience of stressful moments. This week in Part 3, I’m sharing my witching hour playlist - those songs that always make me move and smile. The witching hour - that time every day when baby is done and you are done. And everyone is exhausted.
Sometimes this time of day calls for a tight swaddle and white noise. Sometimes this time of day calls for a walk outside. And, sometimes, it calls for an epic dance party. That’s right - sometimes you just need to dance it out. I find this to be even more the case as we add more children to our family and the toddlers and preschoolers hit the tricky time of day right alongside the baby and the adults. Weary of being asked to play quietly lest they wake the baby, older children love the chance to jump and dance through this time day. Dig out a couple flashlights, pull the curtains, and you have your own light show, too. Here is my playlist for making it through the witching hour and then safely to dinner and (hopefully) an early bedtime.
These songs not your brand of happy tunes? No problem. Build yourself your own witching hour playlist so it is just a click or a swipe away. Whatever you do, don't forget to boogie. Witching hour or as we call it in our house, “Unhappy Hour,” is that time when parental exhaustion meets baby’s desire to list all of the wrongs of the universe at the loudest possible volume. Baby standard time dictates when this will occur. With my oldest, her wind up began around 4:30 p.m. so that by the time my spouse returned from work, I was in desperate need of a hand off and hot shower. With my middle guy, 6:00 p.m. marked the beginning of unhappy hour, meaning bedtime for the oldest was often a juggling act of bouncing an unhappy baby and corralling a overtired toddler. Whether it occurs at 4 or 8 p.m., this tricky hour (or three) requires a basket of tricks and Nested Mama’s got a basket ready for you. In this three part series, I’ll share with you my favorite resources, tips, and sanity promoting approaches to surviving unhappy hour. Last week in Part 1, I shared with you some tips and tricks for making your way through this wonky time of day. This week, I’m sharing some ideas about relaxation and affirmation that can potentially alter your experience of the witching hour. RelaxationWhen you think about the experience of the witching hour with a tiny little one, relaxation is probably the last word that comes to mind. Maybe you are thinking, Johanna, you are absolutely nuts for even trying to put relaxation in the same sentence, even the same zip code, as this dreaded time of day. I hear you. I really do. And it makes good biological sense - we are programmed to hear our babies cry and have a corresponding response. Everything about their crying compels us to tend to them and meet their needs. If you are like me, often that tending comes with tense shoulders up to my ears, fast breathing, and a tightness in my chest when I’m in the thick of a late afternoon with a cranky baby. As you pace the floor, rock, nurse, and bounce, your way through this time of day, you can also take a moment and a breath. Right now, I want you to breathe with me. A nice big breath expanding your belly. Good. Now slowly let it out. That feels good, right? If you practice yoga, you know how important breath can be to find a sense of calm inside you. When in the thick of the witching hour, take that good deep breath. Now, let it out. Notice the tightness in your neck. Send you next exhale there. Note your shoulders. Help them drop down with your exhale. And so forth. It sounds so simple on paper, but it takes a combined focus of body and mind. And, it really does make a difference. Often when my babies were small and restless in my arms, I found that progressively relaxing my own body helped them, too. And, any space of calm and positivity you can carve for yourself into an otherwise less than wonderful time of day is a very good thing. AffirmationWhen tired at the end of a long day of parenting or facing what seems like a desert of time between wake up from nap and bedtime, my thoughts become filled with “shoulds” and with the shoulds come lots of frustration.
A good affirmation can stop those thoughts and change the direction of my mind. And, it can provide me a powerful touchstone when the day’s parenting has been more than a wee bit rough. Here are a few of my favorites -
Learning to practice relaxation and dig into some meaningful affirmations is well worth the effort. This is true for the witching hour, but it is also applicable to many moments beyond that time of day and phase of tiny baby life. Toddler throwing a tantrum with full on face-plant in the bank lobby? Breathe in and out. This is not an emergency. Trying to make dinner but life is one diaper explosion after epic nursing session after diaper explosion? Take a deep breath. This is tricky, not tragic. Feeling overwhelmed by parenting decisions x, y, and z? Breathe. I am enough. Kiddo losing it because he dropped the last jelly bean into the wasteland that is the back seat of your car? (And, if you are wondering, yes, this did just happen.) Breathe deep into your belly. I make space for my child’s feelings. Whatever parenting or other challenges life is throwing at you, breathe with me. You got this. Witching hour or as we call it in our house, “Unhappy Hour,” is that time when parental exhaustion meets baby’s desire to list all of the wrongs of the universe at the loudest possible volume. Baby standard time dictates when this will occur.
With my oldest, her wind up began around 4:30 p.m. so that by the time my spouse returned from work, I was in desperate need of a hand off and hot shower. With my middle guy, 6:00 p.m. marked the beginning of unhappy hour, meaning bedtime for the oldest was often a juggling act of bouncing an unhappy baby and corralling a overtired toddler. Whether it occurs at 4 or 8 p.m., this tricky hour (or three) requires a basket of tricks and Nested Mama’s got a basket ready for you. In this three part series, I’ll share with you my favorite resources, tips, and sanity promoting approaches to surviving unhappy hour. Part I: 7 Tips & Tricks to Survive the Witching Hour
Got any witching hour tips? Share them in the comments below. Looking for postpartum support? Learn more about Nested Mama Prenatal & Postpartum Support. Before the birth of my first child, I thought I read ALL the books. In hindsight, I did read an impressive stack of material. But, most of it focused on pregnancy and childbirth and not the blurry, hazy, beauty of the early postpartum days. I’m sure I at least whizzed by some statements about biologically normal newborn sleep, but in no way did those statements prepare me for the reality of nighttime parenting in the weeks and months that followed baby’s birth. While sniffing that wonderful scent of newborn baby and gazing in rapt attention at my child’s adorable features, I also found myself - like most new mothers - completely and utterly exhausted.
I’m not here to share with you a magical recipe that allows you to bypass normal newborn behavior. Nope - newborns need us, day and night, and that’s okay. Instead, I’ve got five tips - some you can even do before baby is born - to give yourself a soft, fluffy cushion of support, and yes, get more sleep in the newborn days. Here are five things that you can do to improve your quality of sleep with a newborn baby -
Want to get more Nested Mama tips and tricks for postpartum life? Connect with Nested Mama. Looking for a holistic, evidence-based approach to family sleep? Nested Mama offers Infant Sleep Education workshops and consultations. Find out more here. |
AuthorJohanna received a Ph.D. in English in 2014. Now a postpartum doula and educator of childbirth, breastfeeding, and infant sleep, she blogs about pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting. Archives
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